“Dear Younger Me…”
In the past year, I’ve celebrated a few meaningful milestones – my 40th birthday, my oldest son’s 21st birthday and college graduation and my 10th wedding anniversary to my husband, Greg. Recently the song, “Dear Younger Me” by the band Mercy Me got me thinking about when I found out I was pregnant. I had so much anxiety – would my family support me emotionally as I went on this journey alone? Was I going to be a single parent for the rest of my life, because who would want to raise another man’s child as his own? Will I have to put my college education on hold? If so, how will I support my new little family? Assuming things aren’t going to be easy, will my child understand the decisions I make and direction I attempt to take us? As my world seemed to be falling apart, it was only the beginning of my journey to self-discovery. Bear with me if it seems cliché’, but if I could go back in time, and tell my 19-year-old-self one singular thing, it would be to not worry so much and trust the process.
As it turns out, my immediate and large extended family were amazing. Especially my two grandmothers, who became my biggest supporters. They never made me feel as though I had failed them or messed up my life in any way. And once my son Gabriel was born, he was blessed with the opportunity to create his own special relationships with them as well before they passed.
My social life immediately changed the moment I found out I was pregnant. My friends and I were now in different places. I was getting used to the idea of being a mother while they were experiencing dating life and college. My personal anxiety and insecurities would wreck my friendships. I would connect with them whenever they could, but everything was different. I envied their freedom, while I struggled with the guilt of being a single mother. I wish now that I wouldn’t have let that get in the way. At least through the beauty of social media, I have had the opportunity to reconnect with some of my friends and we have picked up right where we left off.
I would finally go on a date after my son turned two-years-old. It was weird and awkward trying to be a mother but at the same time attempting to act my age. Dating was hard. I was too young to assume the guys wanted what I wanted – to find a partner willing to be a good example to my son and love both of us forever. I would try a fail a few times. I would learn to focus on making life the best for Gabriel and me. I worked and went to school whenever I could. We didn’t have everything we wanted but we were happy and when the time was right the perfect person would come along.
That perfect person was a software engineer, seven years my senior. From the moment we met, Greg’s easy going nature was the ideal match to my fiery temper. It didn’t take me long to realize that he would be a wonderful example to my son and a supportive partner to me. One of my favorite early memories and a story shared by Gabriel at our wedding reception involved how Greg would drive us home after a guy/girl + little boy date night with his dog Calvin. He made sure we were always safe! We were married 2 1/2 years after we met. He would officially adopt Gabriel two years later. As we welcomed our daughter Amelia and our son Barrett into the family a few years later, Greg and Gabriel’s relationship would only grow stronger. We like to tease that they were blessed with the opportunity to “pick” each other out! And if you were to meet them today, my son may look just like but he acts just like his father. Swoon!
Part One….
